Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

Managing expectations

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

accurate

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”