Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
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Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
why neck hurt
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
This kid is going places
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
