Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

when you are just born a rebel

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

[first time at a rave]

These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store