Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

rise and shine we got egg

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

Spotted in New Orleans.

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

I get distracted pretty eas

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

This made me chuckle.

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.