Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Gaming support cat.)

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it