Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating