Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
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Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
sleeping beauty
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
By Kate Hatos
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*