Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
This made me smile…
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.