Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.