I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
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her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
“you changed” bro i was 15
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
🤣dope
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed