Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
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No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.