i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
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Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
🍛
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”