Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

[date]

ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers