Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀