Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
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*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Thank you corporation very cool
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK