Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this