If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
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Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
knights of the ikea table
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.