Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!