Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

i love modern commerce

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

sounds kinky. i’m in.

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.