waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
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Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
omg leave her alone
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”