Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
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me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
