Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
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I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
weird email i got today
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe