I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
You Might Also Like
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
This pepper has seen some $h1t.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.