me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
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*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing