Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

Best misinterpreted text ever!

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two