I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
