Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
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I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Damn what did I do next
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive