Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
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When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.