Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
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wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
guys I’m going home
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Finally!
These are my roll models.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?