9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
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So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Basically.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!