Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.