Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.