I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
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him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.