I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
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[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.