Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?

It fired boohlets.

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving