Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
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If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Shark week, but for squirrels.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.