Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.