Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

honestly, i need both:

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?