Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂