Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

🌱🌱🌱

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

Basketball

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.