You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
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A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.