You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
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Glasses
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
estão todos miauvindo?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy