I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
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do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2