Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.