when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
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Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Donkey Kong sommelier
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Seems legit.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.