The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
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Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?