Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

Van Gone

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?