Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

go easy on yourself <3

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

Happy thanksgiving!

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.