Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago