Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

San Francisco has too many rules

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

I like crazy people until they notice me