Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”