Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
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The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP