True dat! ππππ
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if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Did you know cats are called cats because theyβre roughly half the size of cattle?
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
I accidentally asked for a βlargeβ coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
San Francisco has too many rules
ME AT 15: βI want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pewβ
ME AT 35: βI want video games to have an option to make text bigger.β
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED